Today I had my trash service restored which is a good thing. I also set a time to go to my friends house (she’s an accountant) and set up a budget. I’m scared but moving forward. I’m torn because I know I won’t have enough money at the end of the month to pay my mortgage but I get paid again 9/3, so should I let it go 30 days and do it them? I have 3 paychecks in Sept. Maybe I’ll ask the accountant. But I’m more on top of things and that is the first step in this process.
I need to call my utilities and make sure nothing is about to get turned off again! I’ll try to do that today.I don’t feel as much fear as I have in the past. Maybe God did me a solid and relieved me of some of that. Maybe I need to treat this like everything else and ask Him for help.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
$$ Miracles
I never see God’s miracles more clearly in my life than when it comes to money. The bank account that SHOULD be overdrawn and isn’t. (Not that it’s NEVER overdrawn, but sometimes a check will come in right after a deposit is made). Money showing up from an unexpected source at just the right moment. And I’ve seen this for years and years. The issues and problems I have are my own lack of skill and responsibility. Nothing I blame on God.
So a few years back, we refinanced and got a 5 year balloon note on our mortgage. I had no idea when that 5 years was up, but I knew that at the end of the 5 years you have 2 options: Refinance or pay off the balloon.
Obviously, I can’t pay off a balloon note on a house. Refinance. That would be difficult with my credit and it would also probably involve my ex, since the bank doesn’t know we’re divorced. (My counselor advised against telling them and I agreed)
My sponsor has been on me to call the bank and get the date and find out options. I have been paralyzed with fear. If I don’t call, then I don’t get bad news. If I don’t ask, then I can blissfully close my eyes to reality for just another day or two.
Now, when reality blows up in my face what will happen? Well of course I’ll be wishing to God that I had taken the necessary steps and prevented all this pain. But I don’t think of the consequences where money is concerned.
So my sponsor said she was going to back off nagging me (in a loving way) about calling but then yesterday she rescinded that commitment and began nagging again. (Sponsor’s rights seems to be her argument!)
So today I opened up an envelope and realized that in 6 months, I’ll have $1xx.00 extra dollars in my budget every month because I will have finally paid off a big hunk of debt I’ve been paying down. That was really nice to know and made me so happy, I called my bank.
Balloon note is due in give or take in a year and I have more options than I thought and none of them include refinancing, none of them include an application, none of them include exorbitant fees, none include a credit check, my guess is that if they include my ex, it’ll just be signing papers which he’ll do.
If I take this option now, I’m essentially signing up for another 5 year balloon, which they’ll do automatically so long as I pay a pretty good sized fee, but I am locking in a lower interest rate.
If I wait until the balloon is due, I can STILL lock another 5 years and I am paying a much much lower fee, but I have no guarantees of what the interest rate will be.
The main fly in my ointment is that my mortgage has to be up to date and current. The problem is that it isn’t. I pay, every month, on the last day. So the mortgage is 29 days past due every month and I am paying roughly $x0.00 in late fees each month.
My sponsor keeps pointing out that the late fees add up to $xx0.00 per year, which I know. But I basically have to come up with a double payment to get caught up and it seems impossible.
For the last 2-3 years I’ve heard how low housing interest rates were, it seems even when the rest of the economy has gone bust. Even my x% doesn’t seem so high. But I am determined now to not just redo the balloon (and it is nice knowing I can do it for less than $x0.00 next year if worse come to worse) but I also want to get out from under the late fees. I need a plan that I can follow.
If I’ve learned nothing else in my 12 Step Program, it’s that Action is required. I tend to revel in the miracles I’m given and then throw them away.
Do I want financial security?
Do I want to provide a stable environment for my child?
Do I want saving?
Do I want retirement? (This is iffy…I have always planned on working until I keep over but I may get sick when I’m older and not die) making the more relevant question…
Do I want to be a burden to my child when I am older?Do I want a cushion for emergencies?
Do I want to stop paying what amounts to thousands of dollars in late fees every year?
Do I want to change?Yes I do. Of course it’s scary but most change is. And nothing will change without my action.
So a few years back, we refinanced and got a 5 year balloon note on our mortgage. I had no idea when that 5 years was up, but I knew that at the end of the 5 years you have 2 options: Refinance or pay off the balloon.
Obviously, I can’t pay off a balloon note on a house. Refinance. That would be difficult with my credit and it would also probably involve my ex, since the bank doesn’t know we’re divorced. (My counselor advised against telling them and I agreed)
My sponsor has been on me to call the bank and get the date and find out options. I have been paralyzed with fear. If I don’t call, then I don’t get bad news. If I don’t ask, then I can blissfully close my eyes to reality for just another day or two.
Now, when reality blows up in my face what will happen? Well of course I’ll be wishing to God that I had taken the necessary steps and prevented all this pain. But I don’t think of the consequences where money is concerned.
So my sponsor said she was going to back off nagging me (in a loving way) about calling but then yesterday she rescinded that commitment and began nagging again. (Sponsor’s rights seems to be her argument!)
So today I opened up an envelope and realized that in 6 months, I’ll have $1xx.00 extra dollars in my budget every month because I will have finally paid off a big hunk of debt I’ve been paying down. That was really nice to know and made me so happy, I called my bank.
Balloon note is due in give or take in a year and I have more options than I thought and none of them include refinancing, none of them include an application, none of them include exorbitant fees, none include a credit check, my guess is that if they include my ex, it’ll just be signing papers which he’ll do.
If I take this option now, I’m essentially signing up for another 5 year balloon, which they’ll do automatically so long as I pay a pretty good sized fee, but I am locking in a lower interest rate.
If I wait until the balloon is due, I can STILL lock another 5 years and I am paying a much much lower fee, but I have no guarantees of what the interest rate will be.
The main fly in my ointment is that my mortgage has to be up to date and current. The problem is that it isn’t. I pay, every month, on the last day. So the mortgage is 29 days past due every month and I am paying roughly $x0.00 in late fees each month.
My sponsor keeps pointing out that the late fees add up to $xx0.00 per year, which I know. But I basically have to come up with a double payment to get caught up and it seems impossible.
For the last 2-3 years I’ve heard how low housing interest rates were, it seems even when the rest of the economy has gone bust. Even my x% doesn’t seem so high. But I am determined now to not just redo the balloon (and it is nice knowing I can do it for less than $x0.00 next year if worse come to worse) but I also want to get out from under the late fees. I need a plan that I can follow.
If I’ve learned nothing else in my 12 Step Program, it’s that Action is required. I tend to revel in the miracles I’m given and then throw them away.
Do I want financial security?
Do I want to provide a stable environment for my child?
Do I want saving?
Do I want retirement? (This is iffy…I have always planned on working until I keep over but I may get sick when I’m older and not die) making the more relevant question…
Do I want to be a burden to my child when I am older?Do I want a cushion for emergencies?
Do I want to stop paying what amounts to thousands of dollars in late fees every year?
Do I want to change?Yes I do. Of course it’s scary but most change is. And nothing will change without my action.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
If I don't...
If I don't look at my bills, then things will get shut off. In the past two months, my gas AND my water has been turned off. And as much as I hate those reconnection fees, it just never seems to sink in. When they shut off AT&T, they charge 30.00 PER SERVICE to reconnect. You would think paying 90 would be some sort of motivation, right? There's a reconnect fee when I have to turn my cell phone back on. There's always a fee when you pay something late. Sometimes it's 5.00 sometimes 45! How much could I save by just paying things on time? And yes, sometimes it really is an issue of not having the money, but more often than not, it's not.
I'm really busy. Two jobs, 12 Steps, Kid, House, Pets and everything that all those things entail And now I'm in a relationship. So I've really convinced myself that I have no time to do a budget. no time to sit down, even once per week and just look at what I owe. It's like my brain is split in two. One side would really rather not be running around going nuts trying to pay things at the last minute. That side is desperate to be organized and financiallyl sound. Then the other side just can't seem to do it. Refuses to do it. Sabotages me in every aspect of my life. I hate that side but I can't seem to get away from it.
What I've done: I've got a Flexible Spending Card from Work for medical bills. Every year, I don't send in receipts and they block my card. It's been blocked since December. I had to cancel my kids Orthodontist appointment because I didn't have any money but I've got $1100.00 on this card just waiting to be used. And I couldn't because it's blocked. So yesterday I got online, I looked and there were three claims in need of receipt substantiation. I called and got a reciept and faxed it in today for 1. I called a 2nd and they said they actually owed a credit to the card and would put that through. The 3rd receipt is in my basement and I know exactly where it is. I can get that done tomorrow.
It's not like my child is in harms way, but if I had had that card unblocked, and it was only 3 receipts, I could have takne her when I was off work, Now I can't. And my brain immediately washes away blame. My brain immediately takes away any responsibility. It's just gone. It is what it is, it's not my fault. It's not my responsibility. Nothing is EVER a result of my irresponsibility. I am clean and shiny and blameless. I am like teflon and everything slides off of me.
I hate being this way and I hate my life right now.
I'm really busy. Two jobs, 12 Steps, Kid, House, Pets and everything that all those things entail And now I'm in a relationship. So I've really convinced myself that I have no time to do a budget. no time to sit down, even once per week and just look at what I owe. It's like my brain is split in two. One side would really rather not be running around going nuts trying to pay things at the last minute. That side is desperate to be organized and financiallyl sound. Then the other side just can't seem to do it. Refuses to do it. Sabotages me in every aspect of my life. I hate that side but I can't seem to get away from it.
What I've done: I've got a Flexible Spending Card from Work for medical bills. Every year, I don't send in receipts and they block my card. It's been blocked since December. I had to cancel my kids Orthodontist appointment because I didn't have any money but I've got $1100.00 on this card just waiting to be used. And I couldn't because it's blocked. So yesterday I got online, I looked and there were three claims in need of receipt substantiation. I called and got a reciept and faxed it in today for 1. I called a 2nd and they said they actually owed a credit to the card and would put that through. The 3rd receipt is in my basement and I know exactly where it is. I can get that done tomorrow.
It's not like my child is in harms way, but if I had had that card unblocked, and it was only 3 receipts, I could have takne her when I was off work, Now I can't. And my brain immediately washes away blame. My brain immediately takes away any responsibility. It's just gone. It is what it is, it's not my fault. It's not my responsibility. Nothing is EVER a result of my irresponsibility. I am clean and shiny and blameless. I am like teflon and everything slides off of me.
I hate being this way and I hate my life right now.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
WHY?
Why am I paralyzed with fear over money? I have absolutely no idea. I just know that I am sitting here, no knowing how much I have in the bank, knowing my bills are piling up, knowing I'm getting phone calls, knowing that every month there's this period of time where it's nothing but stress over the bills I can't pay. I know that bad situations or good, I feel better when I know how much (actually its always how little!) money I have. Yet here I sit, unable (unwilling my sponsor would say!) to go look. To be an adult as my grandsponsor would say.
I am 40 years old. I am divorced. Not being on top of money is not an option. Well, it should NOT be an option, but it is. I don't want to get into my childhood, because honestly, I'm working on NOT blaming everything on my mother, whether it's justified or not.
I went to the home of some friends recently. In their house, they have kitchen cabinets that have glass doors. The wood kind with the glass inside them. They were lovely. I would love to have those. I can't have them. I don't forsee ever having them. Because I have no money. Because I have no credit. Because I have no savings.
I only have 1 working toilet in my house. It is probably a simple fix but I can't afford a plumber. Actually, that is a matter of getting on the internet, so that's not so much money.
I don't spend extravagently. I have the same couch I had when I got married. My car is 5 years old. So I can't, for the life of me, figure out what the problem is.
All my salaries (including a recent, small 3% raise) from my jobs, plus my child support if it's paid (which it always has been) plus the rent I'm getting for the room in my house = $_ _,000 per year. My gross whatever is $_ _, 000 per year. If I am paying taxes at 25% on part of that (don't think I pay taxes on child support) then that's still take home of $_ _, 000. this is not a huge sum of money, but my goodness, the number would seem like enough to get by! I don't live in a $500,000 house, I don't take vacations (including not even being able to take my kid away for a three day weekend), I don't drive a fancy car (the one I have is held together w/ duct tape and prayer) and I don't own a piece of clothing that cost more than $30 (not complaining about that, because I'd be crazy nervous to wear something expensive).
So the next right thing, as always, is right in front of me. Why can't I do it? As much as I hate to pay the $20 co pay, I'm going to my therapist today and I will discuss it. That is my next right thing. This blog was a first step. Figuring out my income was another step. Baby steps.
I am 40 years old. I am divorced. Not being on top of money is not an option. Well, it should NOT be an option, but it is. I don't want to get into my childhood, because honestly, I'm working on NOT blaming everything on my mother, whether it's justified or not.
I went to the home of some friends recently. In their house, they have kitchen cabinets that have glass doors. The wood kind with the glass inside them. They were lovely. I would love to have those. I can't have them. I don't forsee ever having them. Because I have no money. Because I have no credit. Because I have no savings.
I only have 1 working toilet in my house. It is probably a simple fix but I can't afford a plumber. Actually, that is a matter of getting on the internet, so that's not so much money.
I don't spend extravagently. I have the same couch I had when I got married. My car is 5 years old. So I can't, for the life of me, figure out what the problem is.
All my salaries (including a recent, small 3% raise) from my jobs, plus my child support if it's paid (which it always has been) plus the rent I'm getting for the room in my house = $_ _,000 per year. My gross whatever is $_ _, 000 per year. If I am paying taxes at 25% on part of that (don't think I pay taxes on child support) then that's still take home of $_ _, 000. this is not a huge sum of money, but my goodness, the number would seem like enough to get by! I don't live in a $500,000 house, I don't take vacations (including not even being able to take my kid away for a three day weekend), I don't drive a fancy car (the one I have is held together w/ duct tape and prayer) and I don't own a piece of clothing that cost more than $30 (not complaining about that, because I'd be crazy nervous to wear something expensive).
So the next right thing, as always, is right in front of me. Why can't I do it? As much as I hate to pay the $20 co pay, I'm going to my therapist today and I will discuss it. That is my next right thing. This blog was a first step. Figuring out my income was another step. Baby steps.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)