WHY?

Why am I paralyzed with fear over money? I have absolutely no idea. I just know that I am sitting here, no knowing how much I have in the bank, knowing my bills are piling up, knowing I'm getting phone calls, knowing that every month there's this period of time where it's nothing but stress over the bills I can't pay. I know that bad situations or good, I feel better when I know how much (actually its always how little!) money I have. Yet here I sit, unable (unwilling my sponsor would say!) to go look. To be an adult as my grandsponsor would say.
I am 40 years old. I am divorced. Not being on top of money is not an option. Well, it should NOT be an option, but it is. I don't want to get into my childhood, because honestly, I'm working on NOT blaming everything on my mother, whether it's justified or not.
I went to the home of some friends recently. In their house, they have kitchen cabinets that have glass doors. The wood kind with the glass inside them. They were lovely. I would love to have those. I can't have them. I don't forsee ever having them. Because I have no money. Because I have no credit. Because I have no savings.
I only have 1 working toilet in my house. It is probably a simple fix but I can't afford a plumber. Actually, that is a matter of getting on the internet, so that's not so much money.
I don't spend extravagently. I have the same couch I had when I got married. My car is 5 years old. So I can't, for the life of me, figure out what the problem is.
All my salaries (including a recent, small 3% raise) from my jobs, plus my child support if it's paid (which it always has been) plus the rent I'm getting for the room in my house = $_ _,000 per year. My gross whatever is $_ _, 000 per year. If I am paying taxes at 25% on part of that (don't think I pay taxes on child support) then that's still take home of $_ _, 000. this is not a huge sum of money, but my goodness, the number would seem like enough to get by! I don't live in a $500,000 house, I don't take vacations (including not even being able to take my kid away for a three day weekend), I don't drive a fancy car (the one I have is held together w/ duct tape and prayer) and I don't own a piece of clothing that cost more than $30 (not complaining about that, because I'd be crazy nervous to wear something expensive).
So the next right thing, as always, is right in front of me. Why can't I do it? As much as I hate to pay the $20 co pay, I'm going to my therapist today and I will discuss it. That is my next right thing. This blog was a first step. Figuring out my income was another step. Baby steps.